The Lonely Linuxer Log #15 — Healing Takes Time

It’s been about three months since my hospitalization. Honestly, it still feels surreal typing that out. Those days feel far away now — like a foggy memory I can barely reach — but the impact is still here, in quieter ways.

But I’m healing. Not instantly, not perfectly, but in small, steady steps that I’m finally starting to notice.

Some days feel normal. Some days feel like I’m learning how to be myself again. And some days, I’m just tired — but not the kind of tired that makes me crash, just the kind that whispers, “You survived something heavy.”

I’m proud of that. I don't say it often enough.

Coping, the not-so-perfect way

Let me be real for a moment: I still smoke. It became one of the ways I coped with stress after everything — not the healthiest choice, and I know that.

But I don’t hide it. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not ashamed either. Healing is messy. People don’t always magically replace bad habits with good ones overnight.

The important part is this: I want to quit.

I’m not ready yet, but I want to.

I’ve been substituting cigarettes with mints and throat lozenges. It’s not a perfect replacement, but it helps. Sometimes it turns a craving into a small, quiet moment instead of a spiral.

Small wins. Quiet victories. I’ll take them.

Why I’m writing this

I guess I just want to remind myself that progress isn’t always dramatic. Sometimes healing is just waking up, doing your routine, and realizing you feel slightly lighter than you did last month.

Sometimes it’s admitting your coping mechanisms aren’t ideal — and choosing to believe you can change them eventually.

Sometimes it’s writing a log entry like this, being a little vulnerable, and letting yourself breathe.

I’m still the Lonely Linuxer.

Still coding.

Still living.

Still trying.

And still moving forward, one commit at a time.